How do I get very clear on what I need vs. what I want?
Lots of women notify me all the time they are very clear on what they need from a lover. They could possibly say, “Oh I need a guy that is healthy, can make heaps of income, rides a bike, is tall, tanned, blonde with blue eyes and heaps of tattoos on his upper body, because I like manly adult males.” for illustration.
Nicely that sounds really very clear ideal? NO WAY!
How is him driving a bike and acquiring tattoos going to satisfy her “needs”? What Particularly does remaining “fit” signify? Does she care how he “makes heaps of money”? Blonde hair and blue eyes, are these a requirement from her lifetime lover, or just a choice?
Keep in mind I wrote earlier about acquiring a romantic relationship Mission Statement? This was the place you had been to create down all the things you will and will not acknowledge from a guy. What will work for you and what doesn’t. But what if you happen to be just not positive however what will work for you?
Nicely an easy area to commence for your Mission Statement is to seem at your father and seem at any ex-boyfriends or husbands. What did you enjoy about them? What did you despise? All of my exes informed me I was lovely, gorgeous, and pretty and had been the sweetest, most interesting and passionate adult males I experienced ever achieved so definitely THAT would be my choice when hunting for a spouse ideal?
Hell no! There is a cause why they had been all EXES. I recognized following several broken hearts that this sort of guy definitely wasn’t doing work for me or else they’d all nevertheless be around.
So I started dating other kinds of men…all kinds of men…short, tall, extra fat, bald, blondes, musicians, accountants, arrogant types, non secular types, loaded types, poor types, etc. etc. By carrying out all this dating I discovered spontaneous passionate adult males that informed me I was lovely, gorgeous and pretty had been heaps of enjoyable and designed me sense terrific but most of they did not satisfy my demands. Sure they had been terrific in bed and terrific with the lines but a ton of them had been “broken men”. None of them had been secure more than enough or “man” more than enough to be able to acknowledge that my son was my range one particular priority and get into a mundane “relationship routine” with me. None of them had been very helpful around the dwelling or able to regulate my finances either and these had been two points I Needed.
This was an unusual lesson for me to discover because I assumed I seriously, seriously needed an interesting, spontaneous, passionate guy, dark hair, blue eyes, tattooed and “manly”. Perhaps so but I experienced now dated that guy, (several occasions) and I was married to that guy much too and acquired that what I seriously essential was a guy that valued family, recognized my son as his individual, was fantastic with income (because I sucked at controlling my individual finances) and wasn’t going to be so spontaneous he could go away me.
Bottom Line: My Need was to sense taken care of, safe and sound, protected and secure. My Mission Statement experienced to condition that my guy be robust, sensible, fantastic with kids, fantastic with finances and have a secure task so he could consider care of me and our children. All of this would result in me sensation taken care of, safe and sound, protected and secure.
That is exactly what I declared that I deserved on my Mission Statement and when “hunting” for my potential spouse, I did not acknowledge something less. In the finish, that is exactly what I got. My spouse is an Automotive Master Technician, creating much more income than I do. He enjoys my son, cannot hold out to have children with me AND just transpires to have dark hair, blue eyes and pretty, tattooed arms.
So, girls, have a seem at your dating observe document, have a seem at your dad…what do YOU need vs. what you want?